It is quite presumptuous of me to call this series of posts Films No One Asked For. Maybe you do want this film. Maybe all your life was missing was Kindergarten Cop 2. Maybe rather than dusting off your VHS of the original and enjoying the 90’s nostalgia high from watching Terminator bend children to his will, you’d rather watch Dolph Lundgren and Bill Bellamy (*whispers *Bill Bellamy) do whatever it is they’re doing in this trailer, but I don’t want. I never asked for this. Return to sender- immediately.
See, with Kindergarten Cop 2, what Universal Pictures is telling me is they have money to throw away. It is the 26th Anniversary of the release of the original Kindergarten Cop and rather than do a photo op with Arnie and the kids in “Look How Old They Are Now” kind of news piece, generate interest in what was a masterpiece in storytelling, they’re happy to disrespect the greatness that was the 1990 box office smash. Listen, Kindergarten Cop earned over 10 times ($202 million) what it cost to make ($15 million) at the box office. So business-wise a sequel might make financial success but sometimes common sense has to trump greed.
Sequels are only successful when there is something left to say in the story, some unexplored element to the story, a bad guy who got away. With Kindergarten Cop, those avenues are closed because nearly 30 years ago Arnie neatly resolved those and he wont be back! OK? If Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't reprising his role, they have nothing on which to base an effective, entertaining film. It was funny in 1990 because Conan The Barbarian and The Terminator had to get to grips with children. The juxtaposition between his size and the children was sublime and well executed but I don’t need this new thing. Hollywood must learn to let sleeping dogs lie. I have no problem with Straight-To-Video releases, they are a viable source of income when done right, however this sequel right here? No bueno. Their money could have been better spent rereleasing the original or just about anything else.
What do you think?
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